Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
