In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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