So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
