An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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