I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.