Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
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I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!