First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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