I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
