Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
