this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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