Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
