Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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