I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
