Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he puts the penis in happiness.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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