You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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