What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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