Four minutes until I can fart!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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