he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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