I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
