it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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