I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
