Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
