One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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