Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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