haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
