the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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