If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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