I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
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Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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