A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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