I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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