i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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