hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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