you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
