I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
