i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we're so committed to being not committed
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
