i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
