i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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