There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
