You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
