You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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