im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
