Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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