my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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