Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
