if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
