using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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