Cold hands, warm shart.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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