Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
