i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he thought i was a dude.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
