can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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