nut hugger
Do you still have your period?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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