I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
