ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
