I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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