her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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