Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
