He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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