My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
