I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up under a house in Key West
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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