I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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