so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
