The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
