I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
