if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
