the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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