I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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