you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
