12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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