Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
smell my finger.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
