I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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